Finding My Way Back to Sanity

It’s been a year since I blogged. Long time eh? Shameful.

I was lost somewhere between Tampa and Colombo, somewhere between January and December. Yet again, the cosmic forces of this earth have out done themselves again and  gave me a messy, hectic cataclysmic 2010 ride. Thank you higher power for keeping me on my toes, without you I would cease to exist. Without you, I will stop re-inventing myself.

Where do I start?

The Transition – moving my life from Florida to sunny Sri Lanka was bitter-sweet. The time had come to go back home, with my chin up.  The excitement was paralyzed with anxiety, I was beyond afraid to step foot in Lanka. Don’t get me wrong I am Sri Lankan through and through. But, this tiny bubble we call home is ‘small’ – in every sense of the word. Small island, small people… small-minded.  Past experience have thought me there’s no room for my loud behaviour, outlandish attitude and massive ego. Ha, still… I came back like a moth to a flame.

If there’s one thing I could count on apart from my parents – it’s my friends. A warm reception with nothing less than ‘catching up’ for a good 6 months. Let the good times roll. Party after party and it didn’t stop until…

…I ended comatose in the hospital! Just playing. Well, it never stops, I just had find away to toned it down.

This is the paradox of the Colombo lifestyle I lead… Can’t live with it and I certainly won’t live without it either. The said lifestyle is no short of glamourous, incredible, beautiful, fun-loving, wild, extreme, expensive… just brilliant but the after math? My my my… isn’t it just swell?

The hangovers – gotta love it, sleep deprivation – zombie look is in, health concerns – there are meds for everything these days. Just to name a few but the underlying issues creeping up behind your shoulder; depression, paranoia, acute anxiety and the good ole ‘loosing your grip on reality’ syndrome.

Now, this is where we cross over to the dark side. I’ve been running back and forth constantly into the darkness from the light since I was probably too young to actually record here, so we can say I’m use to it. It doesn’t get easy though… it just doesn’t.

I don’t know what it is? Sri Lanka does something to me and i’m not the only one, it’s addicting lifestyle… it’s addicting behavior… it’s addicting hobbies. If I were to give up this said lifestyle, I’ll have disown at least 2/3 of my close circle. And, I love my friends, so no – then what? I control it, I take it easy, I give myself a break, I pace myself. Thankfully, the big man up there sent me the greatest job opportunity. I took it. I love it. And now I do much more than party. Someone give me a pat on the back. I control my life and nobody can tell me otherwise.

From an outside perspective looking in, of course at the risk of sounding judgmental – Colombo has significantly gotten worse… and when I say worse I mean FUCKED!

The alcohol consumption among the creme d’la creme is indefinably high in volume (I’m afraid for some individuals). The drug in-take even higher. And I moved back from the U.S and I’ve seen it bad. Every kid smokes pot now, on a daily basis a few times a day.. hey no judgement. But, the reality is freaking terrifying because we all know letting yourself go is the easy part, getting yourself back, is the real question?

The hippie community really really need to stop with the whole ‘yoga’ and ‘save the planet’ attitude. You are tripping on acid, that’s why you think you can save the planet by destroying your mind… Don’t tell me drugs spark your creativity, so taking 3 tabs of LSD is justifiable for ‘work’ reasons. The dependency issue is the only thing that bothers me. ONLY thing.

If you can’t sleep because you didn’t puff the magic dragon. You have a problem my friend. Do we not know the difference between personalities prone to addiction and the personalities that aren’t? Ask yourself if you know yourself well enough to deduce if you have a dependent persona.

Each to his own. Do drugs, drink plenty, make merry and be happy but do not lose yourself to the substance beyond your control. As much as we love ‘having fun’ and as much as we’re ‘stressed out’ with work – it takes strength of character and self-awareness to make the right choices.  Find it within yourself, it’s there. Seize it. It takes you from what you are to who you can be.

Alright. I’m done.

So, I lost myself somewhere between Tampa and Colombo – and I found my heart. Bloody hell, did I find my heart. I can’t tell you what that means to me, It almost like being born again. I’m back!

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~ by Christina Syms on January 21, 2011.